The Secret To Happiness
Last Saturday I discovered the secret to ultimate happiness.
First, take 3 trips to the dump to get rid of enough junk so that you almost have room in the house to swing a cat. (On your 2nd trip, be careful not to run over the extremely drunken homosexual couple staggering across the street holding each other up.)
Next, buy a serger. (Of course, you've checked all the reviews and have been test-driving different models for weeks.)
After setting up the serger, go boating. Take a friend, lease a kayak, and take turns with your friend kayaking and paddling an inflatable boat around on Rock Lake. Stop for lunch at Panerra along the way. You will have to use the foot pump to inflate the boat, since the battery-powered pump you bought needs considerable charging time in the car's cigarette lighter before you can use it. Gah.
Nobody on the lake will stare at your silly little inflatable boat, really.
When you're too exhausted to paddle any more, entertain the bystanders by beaching your craft, flailing and heaving yourself awkwardly out of it, and then hauling all your ridiculous equipment back up the hill. Lean the kayak against the fence to drain--laugh maniacally and exhort it to "go potty". Roll vigorously on the boat to help deflate it. C'mon, your pants aren't nearly dirty enough yet.
After completing the comedy of errors of cramming the kayak back into the car, call another friend and inform her you're bringing her pizza. Find a takeout pizza place. While waiting for pizza, get bouncy-balls from the gumball machines and invent bouncy-ball games. Laugh not quite loudly enough for the kitchen staff to call the cops. Try not to break any windows.
Arrive with pizza at friend's house before she gets home. Sit on her porch eating pizza--make sure to smear plenty on the front of your shirt. The object is to get your shirt as filthy as your pants. When she gets home, jabber about your wonderful day before passing out on her couch.
So there you have it, the secret to happiness:
- dump
- serger
- boat
- pizza